Military Spouse Appreciation Day

For all of you who have been following my senior thesis blog, you know that is has been complete for the last month. Although I do not plan to continue to blog here because of this blog's purpose as my senior thesis, I do plan to create a new personal blog in the near future, so be on the look out for it soon!

However, I felt this last post was appropriate to create as a final one on "I Didn't Sign Up For This" as it has everything and anything to do with the military lifestyle.

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day! Throughout this blog's entirety, I have expressed time and time again how important having others who completely understand what you go through as a military spouse, parent, sibling, and so much more is. I have also mentioned how big of a role these people play in terms of the relationship they have with their service member, and how the job they have is just as difficult, tiresome, exciting, and scary as their loved ones. 

Today, we honor the military spouses. Those who have sacrificed college degrees, leaving their families and small home towns for a life full of adventure and a new family of their very own. We celebrate those who hold down the fort while their service member is deployed for months or training for days at a time, those who are often single parents forced to make decisions on their own hoping that it was the right one. We recognize their strength, their honor, their love, their support, and their sacrifice, because what military spouse's do is not easy. They deserve to be celebrated every day, not just one, because sometimes I can't imagine how tough it is that they have it, and exactly how they do it.

So to all of my Army wife friends, and all of those who are soon to be married into the military, I salute you for your endless love, encouragement, support, and strength. You truly are one of a kind and deserve to know it! I look up to you and am thankful to have you all in my life.

A good friend of mine, Victoria Wresilo, has no immediate attachment to those in the military, but decided to take on the task of learning more about the military lifestyle and those who serve, have served, their families, and their loved ones for her very own senior thesis project. Tori asked me to help her along this journey, so she interviewed me about my own relationship, and used some great people and families I know to get all aspects of the military life documented. Her short movie, "Faces of War: Beyond the Battle," has been a huge hit so far and shows real life accounts of relationships in the military, as well as servicemen's own stories and perspectives and is definitely worth a quick watch! 

To all of you military spouse's out there, today is for you. Thank you for taking on the big responsibility of marrying into the military. A lot of service men and women and their families could not do it without you, despite how difficult it sometimes may be!

The Dreaded "D" Word

de·ploy (v)

1. Military - to spread out (troops) so as to form an extended front or line.

2. to arrange in a position of readiness, or to move strategically or appropriately

Deployment. It will happen. One day, your service member will receive orders that their unit is going to be sent to another place in the world to fulfill their duty of joining the military. They won't necessarily be in a dangerous area, but they will most definitely be far away from you and their family members for an extended period of time, typically anywhere between nine and twelve months. Understandably, this is often the single most difficult part about living the military lifestyle.

There is so much to be done in order to prepare for the deployment of a family member, from figuring out legal and financial details, learning to pick up the duties that the deploying member typically cares for, and making a plan for how family will communicate with the service member, all while altering routines as little as possible. But most importantly, finding plenty of special time to spend together. 

While it is safe to say that everyone feels that same about the "D" word, the experiences that family members go through while a loved one is deployed can vary depending on the who, what, where, when, and why's of the situation. I have been very grateful to not have to experience deployment with Christian just yet, but I have witnessed many close friends become accustom to being away from loved ones, family, and friends while either deployed or waiting in the States for service members to make a safe return back home. Below is my list of the top five things to keep in mind while experiencing the dreaded "D" word.


1. The importance of technology. Especially in today's world, technology is a gift from above. Thanks to iMessage, Skype, FaceTime, Instant Message, Facebook and so much more, family members and friends are able to keep in touch much easier while their loved ones are thousands upon thousands of miles apart from each other. Currently, many close friends of mine have loved ones deployed to various places around the world, and almost all are able to chat with their service members weekly, if not daily, thanks to technology. Of course, snail mail and packages never hurt anybody and are always fun and sweet reminders of how much someone is loved and missed. 

2. The support from others. Having people to lean on, talk to, hang out with, and sometimes sit and do nothing with will probably be the one necessary thing to help survive a deployment. This goes for the family and loved ones as well as the service member who has an entire unit of 'family' missing loved ones back home. When other people are going through a similar experience as you, suddenly life isn't so bad. I have found in research and through personal experience that when people have their 'go-to-group' to keep them busy and lend a listening ear, the days don't seem so lonely and the months don't seem so long.

3. Be appreciative. Keep it in the back of your mind that your loved one signed up to fight for our country. This is something they want to do. I've heard it many times from the mouths of service member's that they feel their duty is incomplete without a deployment. Most members of the Armed Forces want to go to war. They crave the moment that all of their hard work gets put into action. Although this is terrifying for family members back home, be appreciative that your service member is fulfilling their dream, putting their hard work to use, and that they've received the greatest training possible to be safe, smart, and successful while doing so.

4. Be realistic. Don't live in a bubble while your service member is away. Although it is important to remain positive and hold high hopes, don't pretend like war is not happening where your service member is. Hold on to the possibilities of earlier homecomings, communication each day and night, and that our country has a great line of men and women prepared to fight, but don't disconnect yourself from the real life world. Realize that war is still happening and that the possibility of danger is real. Don't sit glued to the news 24/7, but don't ignore it, either. Hold on to that last hug and kiss as hard as you can, because the awful truth is that there is a possibility it could be your last.

5. Take the time to work on relationships. This means all kinds of relationships. Visit family members you may not get to see that often, schedule more girls (or guys) nights out, and snuggle your little ones a few minutes longer before bed each night. Work on your communication skills, expressing your feelings, being thoughtful, kind, appreciative and thankful.

And please never forget to thank a service member and their family. You never know what a few simple words of gratefulness can do to somebody's day. 

How It's Done

When people discover that I am in a relationship with someone in the military, I inevitably hear the same statement over and over again: "I don't know how you do it." Believe me, sometimes us military loving people don't know how we do it either. Actually, most of the time we don't know how. 

Coping with the idea of loving someone in the military can be a tough thought to deal with. Sometimes there is a constant struggle of staying or leaving, and sometimes that struggle doesn't exist because your heart knows exactly what it is that it wants. It is often scary, but it is always worth the leap of faith.

So, how do you go months apart? How do you deal with the crazy hour work days? How do you pick up and move your entire life every few years? How do you live and love in the military? How exactly do you do it?

We take the necessary time to build a strong relationship when time allows.

We understand that life is different for us than it is for others that exist in our civilian lives.

We prepare for last minute changes, long periods of time apart, and facing the unknown.

We communicate...a lot.

We are flexible.

We embrace and enjoy the time we do get to spend together...every single second of it.

We continue to look towards the future, even though we are unsure of what it will bring.

We take the time to learn and understand the military as best we can.

We call on those in our shoes.

We learn to be independent.

We are patient.

We stay positive and enjoy the ride.

We accept the reality of the lifestyle.

We trust one another.

We are proud.

Choosing to love in the military - not only a spouse, but a parent, child, or relative - is difficult. No one can say exactly how it is that they get through it. But, one answer is common for sure, we love the (wo)man in uniform.

The Many Military Misconceptions

The small share of Americans that currently serve in today's military coupled with the growing gap between the civilian and military populations have led to many individuals having numerous misconceptions about the military life. Most common are the ones pertaining to education and money, or the general working lifestyle.

Many of the military spouses, children, and parents I have contacted over the course of this blogging experience have continuously thrown the same misconceptions my way, expressing the fury they feel when these military myths below are thrown at their faces. 

1. Education
Joining the military is sometimes seen as the easier road to travel on when one cannot find the means or motivation to continue to higher education. Firstly, an individual must acquire a high school diploma or GED in order to enter the Armed Forces. A 2013 study showed that 95% of officers at that time had received a bachelor's degree before commissioning and at least 25% have acquired an advanced degree of sorts. Tests have also proven that enlistees often held higher scores on standardized tests and read at higher reading levels than their civilian counterparts prior to joining the military. Additionally, the military provides many options in helping to further a member's education by providing a GI Bill - financial assistance to member's and their families, as well as training and schooling included in their military career that will allow service members to acquire the skills necessary to carry in to their "real world" experiences following retirement from the service.

2. Money
It is still a belief that military families must make a fat paycheck if they have a lot of children with a stay-at-home mom and father who is always gone. This could not be further from the truth. Many times, the civilian spouse stays at home to raise the children because finding a job when constantly being uprooted can sometimes be really difficult to do. The military is not a life full of luxury. Pay is determined based off of the service member's rank and is increased as they are promoted higher. Member's do receive BAH - Basic Allowance for Housing - to assist in paying for their living quarters at each duty station, however, the BAH is determined by where in the world the member is living as well as how many dependents are living with him/her. Often, a member must dip into their paycheck to cover what their BAH did not, such as utilities and their personal bills. Even with these benefits, many military members do not earn near what their civilian counterparts make. 
It is true that a member and his/her family makes more money when the service member is deployed. This is known as 'combat pay' and often is only a few hundred dollars extra each month. While this sounds like a perk, consider yourself. Would you risk your life for $600 a month?
Even further, many do not know that a service member with a rank of E-5 or lower only makes about $1,500 a month. Because of this, most qualify for government assistance, putting a financial strain on the family.

3. Length of Service
When you decide to sign up for the military, you aren't joining for life. Commitment times vary greatly, but most commonly can be as little as two years. Additional years of service are added if a member decides to pursue schooling or special training, or simply decides they are not ready to be done just yet. A member may also go to a Reserve unit, meaning they are to be readily available should the military need to use them.
It should be known that although you are not joining for life and there are many ways to serve your time and return back to civilian world, your job means you are putting your life on the line willingly all of the time. This realization could potentially mean that you are in fact joining for life.

4. The Working Side
The military is not a 9-5 job. Making plans is nearly impossible, and schedules change constantly. It is rare for a member to go in to work and be home at the same time every single day like many civilian jobs allow. Even when not deployed, a member may not see his/her family for extended periods of time as they are to spend nights sleeping in the field, or leave for work before their family is awake and come back home late into night. However, just like civilians, military members receive 30 days of paid leave per year, as well as six weeks of maternity leave for female members and ten days paternity leave for fathers.
Many also believe that military jobs and training have little connection to the civilian world, leaving military members struggling to find work once retiring from the service. This is also not true, as 91% of military jobs have civilian counterparts, and many skills learned during military experiences are relatable to many civilian job opportunities.

5. Women
Although women do not have the opportunity to pursue all of the same experiences as men do in the military, across all of the different branches about 79% of military jobs are available to women, as women make up close to 20% of today's Armed Forces.

6. The Spouses
Despite what shows like Army Wives make many of us think, the real military is nothing like what is shown on television. Officer's wives don't always dress super conservatively while attending meetings, coffees, and functions all day everyday while enlisted wives are poorly behaved and structured individuals making their husbands look bad with every move they make. In reality, there is no difference between an officer and enlisted military member's spouse. One is not classy, snobby, and rich while the other is cheap, inferior, and lazy. As a military spouse, each and every one is exactly the same: someone who fell in love with someone who happens to be in the military.

Although the military life is exciting and fun to be a part of, these misconceptions are struggles that Armed Service family's must deal with every single day. Like Theodore Roosevelt once said.

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty...I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.

And the military life is just another one of those things. 

It Isn't Always So Bad

It is not unusual for a civilian to throw some typical, and sometimes rude, comments and questions one's way when they are informed of an individuals involvement in the military lifestyle. 

"It must be so hard."
"Don't you miss him?"
"I would never give up my life for that."
"I don't know how you do it."

But as I return home today from a five day vacation with two Army wives who have become some of my best friends, I can't help but think about all of the many reasons being a part of this crazy lifestyle is absolutely worth it.  

There is a positive side to the military life, and they are all of the reasons many military related families could not imagine living their life any other way - it just takes some getting used to.

1. Seeing the world
Not only do you and your family get to travel all across many different parts of the world, and live in some of the coolest places there are to see, but you make best friends that you are at some point in time forced to separate from, and visiting them in many of these cool places you may not otherwise get to see is quite the adventure. 

2. Pride
As discussed in a previous post, "Patriotism," having pride in your country and displaying it every single day is an overwhelming and heartwarming feeling. There is nothing better than knowing you are someone's greatest support and you're taking part in something much greater than yourself.

3. Traditions of the military
The military is full of traditions. On post, the retreat ceremony is played every single day to signify the end of the official duty day and pay respect to the American flag. As the flag is lowered from the pole, nearly every person on post will stop to face the flag, no matter how near or far from it they are, and stand quietly while retreat is played. A second favorite is when the National Anthem is played in the post movie theater before the start of each movie throughout the day.

4. Opportunities and development
So many opportunities are available for both service members and their families, and learning to grow as an independent and flexible individual due to the military lifestyle is tremendous.

5. The benefits
I often hear the benefits of the military lifestyle being misunderstood by many in the civilian world. Although the military does assist in many ways, these benefits definitely do not come "free" to members and their families as the sacrifices these people must make are greater than any price any one could pay. Some benefits do include a military discount offered in many places, a housing allowance that varies based off of the state a family is residing in, health care, tuition support, and discounted/tax free shopping at the post exchange and commissary. 

Personally, the biggest pro to the military lifestyle is the sense of family that is created through the friendships developed overtime. It is so heartwarming to have a family of friends that have been handpicked by you to be your "family" when your own is too far. I am so thankful for these kinds of friends.

*Check out here to read more on the benefits for military members and their family!

Patriotism

pa·tri·ot·ism (n.) devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty

To many, patriotism is a feeling that surfaces a handful of times throughout the calendar year. It's always there, but they are only reminded to display it on a few given days - Memorial Day, Fourth of July, September 11th, Veteran's Day to name a few.

To the military community, patriotism is their life. 

Nothing warms my heart more than when I stand in Michie Stadium at the United States Military Academy at West Point each weekend in the fall surrounded by soldiers - many of them my high school friends - while the National Anthem is played.

Or when I am driving during the afternoon and the entire post stops, gets out of their cars, and faces the direction of the flag as it is lowered during the retreat ceremony, signifying the official end of the duty day while paying respect to the flag.

Or when I see little kids outside playing, wearing a cover with their parent's name tape displayed across the back.

Or when I am at work, babysitting for many military families, and I tuck the kids away to bed while they squeeze their "daddy doll" - a stuffed man wearing ACU's with a picture of their daddy's face displayed at the head.

Or when I get to spend the Fourth of July (or any day of the week for that matter) with my very own soldier.

Patriotism.

Below are others who absolutely agree with me:

"There is nothing, absolutely not a single thing, that compares to the feeling I get when I see my husband in uniform in formation with other soldiers...An overwhelming feeling of pride and patriotism just sweeps over me and, in my experience, usually has the same effect on family and even friends who are completely unattached to the military. That kind of camaraderie and selflessness just cannot be found anywhere else other than our world." - Kayla Witt, wife of 2LT Bradford Witt, US Army

"I never thought I would tear up almost every time I hear the National Anthem, but I do. It takes on a whole new meaning, especially when your soldier is deployed. We teach our kids to be respectful of the flag, the National Anthem, and the Pledge. They have greater meaning to us than your average civilian." - Sarah Soyka, wife of Maj. Michael Soyka, US Army

"People with a connection to the military have a different connection to our country and the flag because we have sacrificed directly for it." - Casey Elliott, daughter of LTC Charles Elliott, US Army

This is patriotism...a daily and constant reminder of love, support, and thankfulness for those who wear military rank, the individuals who stand beside them, our freedom, and a love for our great country.

Support Groups

Christian joined the Army right after his high school graduation in August 2009. We had only been dating eight short months when he left for military schooling in Pennsylvania while I finished my last year of high school in New York. I knew he would be safe at school and that our only battle would be figuring out the distance. That took some time to do, but we eventually found a routine that worked for us throughout that first school year. I remember the first day I came home to a letter in my mailbox, numerous video chats that consisted of us simply working on homework while the camera was up and we rarely exchanged words, the seven hour train rides he would take home, and the seven hours of me anxiously waiting to head to the station to pick him up. I learned a lot about myself that year, and a lot about what our still new relationship could endure. But, I remember how tough it was. When recalling that first year, I always say that if I had known some one else like me who was going through a relationship under similar circumstances, that year probably would have gone a lot better. If I had just one friend I could call who understood what I felt like when I was sad or overly excited, that year would have been different. Luckily for me, my family has always been supportive of my relationship, Christian's family has loved me like their own, and Christian was and continues to be my go-to-guy.

Support systems...you need them. A group of people who share advice, personal experiences, feelings, information, and friendships with each other to help through the tough days and celebrate in the joyous days...absolutely necessary.

Luckily, the military understands the troubles that military families face alongside their service members when choosing to take on the hardships of this lifestyle and provides them with plenty of support groups to call on any time of the day. 

The FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a support group for each specific unit that aids in creating a sense of belonging for the family members of the military to both the unit and the community. They are helpful in creating and developing friendships, providing information, and creating a better understanding as to why deployments are necessary to the mission. 

Many interviewees have noted that they are a part of the FRG for their spouse's unit, which has allowed for them to transition to their new home smoothly as well as becoming a source for friendships and information. I urge you to be a part of yours!

The Army also has AFTB (Army Family Team Building) at each post, helping to empower and develop individuals, ultimately creating a community that meets the "military mission." Although the AFTB does not provide support by bringing families together to create friendships, rather for families and individuals to grow on their own, friendships are inevitable, so joining the AFTB at your post will undoubtedly be helpful in finding others who are walking in your shoes.

Social media sites, often linked through Facebook, are common support groups that many in the military lifestyle get involved in. Nearly every post has a Facebook page - something along the lines of "Fort Campbell Spouses" - that is accessible to family members for support big and small, from "My spouse is deployed and..." to "Do you know the best pizza place?" Friendships are quickly formed through these pages as one can easily pinpoint individuals most similar to themselves. 

For me, social media support groups have led me to some of my closest friends. When Christian began his journey through the United States Military Academy at West Point, I joined a social media support group that immediately changed my internal battles of dating a man in the military. Knowing people were out there who were going through the same things as me, having friends all across the globe, and creating friendships that will last a lifetime was a game changer being a civilian in a military relationship. So don't knock them before you try them, and remember...there's a group for that!