Military Spouse Appreciation Day

For all of you who have been following my senior thesis blog, you know that is has been complete for the last month. Although I do not plan to continue to blog here because of this blog's purpose as my senior thesis, I do plan to create a new personal blog in the near future, so be on the look out for it soon!

However, I felt this last post was appropriate to create as a final one on "I Didn't Sign Up For This" as it has everything and anything to do with the military lifestyle.

Today is Military Spouse Appreciation Day! Throughout this blog's entirety, I have expressed time and time again how important having others who completely understand what you go through as a military spouse, parent, sibling, and so much more is. I have also mentioned how big of a role these people play in terms of the relationship they have with their service member, and how the job they have is just as difficult, tiresome, exciting, and scary as their loved ones. 

Today, we honor the military spouses. Those who have sacrificed college degrees, leaving their families and small home towns for a life full of adventure and a new family of their very own. We celebrate those who hold down the fort while their service member is deployed for months or training for days at a time, those who are often single parents forced to make decisions on their own hoping that it was the right one. We recognize their strength, their honor, their love, their support, and their sacrifice, because what military spouse's do is not easy. They deserve to be celebrated every day, not just one, because sometimes I can't imagine how tough it is that they have it, and exactly how they do it.

So to all of my Army wife friends, and all of those who are soon to be married into the military, I salute you for your endless love, encouragement, support, and strength. You truly are one of a kind and deserve to know it! I look up to you and am thankful to have you all in my life.

A good friend of mine, Victoria Wresilo, has no immediate attachment to those in the military, but decided to take on the task of learning more about the military lifestyle and those who serve, have served, their families, and their loved ones for her very own senior thesis project. Tori asked me to help her along this journey, so she interviewed me about my own relationship, and used some great people and families I know to get all aspects of the military life documented. Her short movie, "Faces of War: Beyond the Battle," has been a huge hit so far and shows real life accounts of relationships in the military, as well as servicemen's own stories and perspectives and is definitely worth a quick watch! 

To all of you military spouse's out there, today is for you. Thank you for taking on the big responsibility of marrying into the military. A lot of service men and women and their families could not do it without you, despite how difficult it sometimes may be!

The Dreaded "D" Word

de·ploy (v)

1. Military - to spread out (troops) so as to form an extended front or line.

2. to arrange in a position of readiness, or to move strategically or appropriately

Deployment. It will happen. One day, your service member will receive orders that their unit is going to be sent to another place in the world to fulfill their duty of joining the military. They won't necessarily be in a dangerous area, but they will most definitely be far away from you and their family members for an extended period of time, typically anywhere between nine and twelve months. Understandably, this is often the single most difficult part about living the military lifestyle.

There is so much to be done in order to prepare for the deployment of a family member, from figuring out legal and financial details, learning to pick up the duties that the deploying member typically cares for, and making a plan for how family will communicate with the service member, all while altering routines as little as possible. But most importantly, finding plenty of special time to spend together. 

While it is safe to say that everyone feels that same about the "D" word, the experiences that family members go through while a loved one is deployed can vary depending on the who, what, where, when, and why's of the situation. I have been very grateful to not have to experience deployment with Christian just yet, but I have witnessed many close friends become accustom to being away from loved ones, family, and friends while either deployed or waiting in the States for service members to make a safe return back home. Below is my list of the top five things to keep in mind while experiencing the dreaded "D" word.


1. The importance of technology. Especially in today's world, technology is a gift from above. Thanks to iMessage, Skype, FaceTime, Instant Message, Facebook and so much more, family members and friends are able to keep in touch much easier while their loved ones are thousands upon thousands of miles apart from each other. Currently, many close friends of mine have loved ones deployed to various places around the world, and almost all are able to chat with their service members weekly, if not daily, thanks to technology. Of course, snail mail and packages never hurt anybody and are always fun and sweet reminders of how much someone is loved and missed. 

2. The support from others. Having people to lean on, talk to, hang out with, and sometimes sit and do nothing with will probably be the one necessary thing to help survive a deployment. This goes for the family and loved ones as well as the service member who has an entire unit of 'family' missing loved ones back home. When other people are going through a similar experience as you, suddenly life isn't so bad. I have found in research and through personal experience that when people have their 'go-to-group' to keep them busy and lend a listening ear, the days don't seem so lonely and the months don't seem so long.

3. Be appreciative. Keep it in the back of your mind that your loved one signed up to fight for our country. This is something they want to do. I've heard it many times from the mouths of service member's that they feel their duty is incomplete without a deployment. Most members of the Armed Forces want to go to war. They crave the moment that all of their hard work gets put into action. Although this is terrifying for family members back home, be appreciative that your service member is fulfilling their dream, putting their hard work to use, and that they've received the greatest training possible to be safe, smart, and successful while doing so.

4. Be realistic. Don't live in a bubble while your service member is away. Although it is important to remain positive and hold high hopes, don't pretend like war is not happening where your service member is. Hold on to the possibilities of earlier homecomings, communication each day and night, and that our country has a great line of men and women prepared to fight, but don't disconnect yourself from the real life world. Realize that war is still happening and that the possibility of danger is real. Don't sit glued to the news 24/7, but don't ignore it, either. Hold on to that last hug and kiss as hard as you can, because the awful truth is that there is a possibility it could be your last.

5. Take the time to work on relationships. This means all kinds of relationships. Visit family members you may not get to see that often, schedule more girls (or guys) nights out, and snuggle your little ones a few minutes longer before bed each night. Work on your communication skills, expressing your feelings, being thoughtful, kind, appreciative and thankful.

And please never forget to thank a service member and their family. You never know what a few simple words of gratefulness can do to somebody's day. 

How It's Done

When people discover that I am in a relationship with someone in the military, I inevitably hear the same statement over and over again: "I don't know how you do it." Believe me, sometimes us military loving people don't know how we do it either. Actually, most of the time we don't know how. 

Coping with the idea of loving someone in the military can be a tough thought to deal with. Sometimes there is a constant struggle of staying or leaving, and sometimes that struggle doesn't exist because your heart knows exactly what it is that it wants. It is often scary, but it is always worth the leap of faith.

So, how do you go months apart? How do you deal with the crazy hour work days? How do you pick up and move your entire life every few years? How do you live and love in the military? How exactly do you do it?

We take the necessary time to build a strong relationship when time allows.

We understand that life is different for us than it is for others that exist in our civilian lives.

We prepare for last minute changes, long periods of time apart, and facing the unknown.

We communicate...a lot.

We are flexible.

We embrace and enjoy the time we do get to spend together...every single second of it.

We continue to look towards the future, even though we are unsure of what it will bring.

We take the time to learn and understand the military as best we can.

We call on those in our shoes.

We learn to be independent.

We are patient.

We stay positive and enjoy the ride.

We accept the reality of the lifestyle.

We trust one another.

We are proud.

Choosing to love in the military - not only a spouse, but a parent, child, or relative - is difficult. No one can say exactly how it is that they get through it. But, one answer is common for sure, we love the (wo)man in uniform.

The Many Military Misconceptions

The small share of Americans that currently serve in today's military coupled with the growing gap between the civilian and military populations have led to many individuals having numerous misconceptions about the military life. Most common are the ones pertaining to education and money, or the general working lifestyle.

Many of the military spouses, children, and parents I have contacted over the course of this blogging experience have continuously thrown the same misconceptions my way, expressing the fury they feel when these military myths below are thrown at their faces. 

1. Education
Joining the military is sometimes seen as the easier road to travel on when one cannot find the means or motivation to continue to higher education. Firstly, an individual must acquire a high school diploma or GED in order to enter the Armed Forces. A 2013 study showed that 95% of officers at that time had received a bachelor's degree before commissioning and at least 25% have acquired an advanced degree of sorts. Tests have also proven that enlistees often held higher scores on standardized tests and read at higher reading levels than their civilian counterparts prior to joining the military. Additionally, the military provides many options in helping to further a member's education by providing a GI Bill - financial assistance to member's and their families, as well as training and schooling included in their military career that will allow service members to acquire the skills necessary to carry in to their "real world" experiences following retirement from the service.

2. Money
It is still a belief that military families must make a fat paycheck if they have a lot of children with a stay-at-home mom and father who is always gone. This could not be further from the truth. Many times, the civilian spouse stays at home to raise the children because finding a job when constantly being uprooted can sometimes be really difficult to do. The military is not a life full of luxury. Pay is determined based off of the service member's rank and is increased as they are promoted higher. Member's do receive BAH - Basic Allowance for Housing - to assist in paying for their living quarters at each duty station, however, the BAH is determined by where in the world the member is living as well as how many dependents are living with him/her. Often, a member must dip into their paycheck to cover what their BAH did not, such as utilities and their personal bills. Even with these benefits, many military members do not earn near what their civilian counterparts make. 
It is true that a member and his/her family makes more money when the service member is deployed. This is known as 'combat pay' and often is only a few hundred dollars extra each month. While this sounds like a perk, consider yourself. Would you risk your life for $600 a month?
Even further, many do not know that a service member with a rank of E-5 or lower only makes about $1,500 a month. Because of this, most qualify for government assistance, putting a financial strain on the family.

3. Length of Service
When you decide to sign up for the military, you aren't joining for life. Commitment times vary greatly, but most commonly can be as little as two years. Additional years of service are added if a member decides to pursue schooling or special training, or simply decides they are not ready to be done just yet. A member may also go to a Reserve unit, meaning they are to be readily available should the military need to use them.
It should be known that although you are not joining for life and there are many ways to serve your time and return back to civilian world, your job means you are putting your life on the line willingly all of the time. This realization could potentially mean that you are in fact joining for life.

4. The Working Side
The military is not a 9-5 job. Making plans is nearly impossible, and schedules change constantly. It is rare for a member to go in to work and be home at the same time every single day like many civilian jobs allow. Even when not deployed, a member may not see his/her family for extended periods of time as they are to spend nights sleeping in the field, or leave for work before their family is awake and come back home late into night. However, just like civilians, military members receive 30 days of paid leave per year, as well as six weeks of maternity leave for female members and ten days paternity leave for fathers.
Many also believe that military jobs and training have little connection to the civilian world, leaving military members struggling to find work once retiring from the service. This is also not true, as 91% of military jobs have civilian counterparts, and many skills learned during military experiences are relatable to many civilian job opportunities.

5. Women
Although women do not have the opportunity to pursue all of the same experiences as men do in the military, across all of the different branches about 79% of military jobs are available to women, as women make up close to 20% of today's Armed Forces.

6. The Spouses
Despite what shows like Army Wives make many of us think, the real military is nothing like what is shown on television. Officer's wives don't always dress super conservatively while attending meetings, coffees, and functions all day everyday while enlisted wives are poorly behaved and structured individuals making their husbands look bad with every move they make. In reality, there is no difference between an officer and enlisted military member's spouse. One is not classy, snobby, and rich while the other is cheap, inferior, and lazy. As a military spouse, each and every one is exactly the same: someone who fell in love with someone who happens to be in the military.

Although the military life is exciting and fun to be a part of, these misconceptions are struggles that Armed Service family's must deal with every single day. Like Theodore Roosevelt once said.

Nothing in the world is worth having or worth doing unless it means effort, pain, difficulty...I have never in my life envied a human being who led an easy life. I have envied a great many people who led difficult lives and led them well.

And the military life is just another one of those things. 

It Isn't Always So Bad

It is not unusual for a civilian to throw some typical, and sometimes rude, comments and questions one's way when they are informed of an individuals involvement in the military lifestyle. 

"It must be so hard."
"Don't you miss him?"
"I would never give up my life for that."
"I don't know how you do it."

But as I return home today from a five day vacation with two Army wives who have become some of my best friends, I can't help but think about all of the many reasons being a part of this crazy lifestyle is absolutely worth it.  

There is a positive side to the military life, and they are all of the reasons many military related families could not imagine living their life any other way - it just takes some getting used to.

1. Seeing the world
Not only do you and your family get to travel all across many different parts of the world, and live in some of the coolest places there are to see, but you make best friends that you are at some point in time forced to separate from, and visiting them in many of these cool places you may not otherwise get to see is quite the adventure. 

2. Pride
As discussed in a previous post, "Patriotism," having pride in your country and displaying it every single day is an overwhelming and heartwarming feeling. There is nothing better than knowing you are someone's greatest support and you're taking part in something much greater than yourself.

3. Traditions of the military
The military is full of traditions. On post, the retreat ceremony is played every single day to signify the end of the official duty day and pay respect to the American flag. As the flag is lowered from the pole, nearly every person on post will stop to face the flag, no matter how near or far from it they are, and stand quietly while retreat is played. A second favorite is when the National Anthem is played in the post movie theater before the start of each movie throughout the day.

4. Opportunities and development
So many opportunities are available for both service members and their families, and learning to grow as an independent and flexible individual due to the military lifestyle is tremendous.

5. The benefits
I often hear the benefits of the military lifestyle being misunderstood by many in the civilian world. Although the military does assist in many ways, these benefits definitely do not come "free" to members and their families as the sacrifices these people must make are greater than any price any one could pay. Some benefits do include a military discount offered in many places, a housing allowance that varies based off of the state a family is residing in, health care, tuition support, and discounted/tax free shopping at the post exchange and commissary. 

Personally, the biggest pro to the military lifestyle is the sense of family that is created through the friendships developed overtime. It is so heartwarming to have a family of friends that have been handpicked by you to be your "family" when your own is too far. I am so thankful for these kinds of friends.

*Check out here to read more on the benefits for military members and their family!

Patriotism

pa·tri·ot·ism (n.) devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty

To many, patriotism is a feeling that surfaces a handful of times throughout the calendar year. It's always there, but they are only reminded to display it on a few given days - Memorial Day, Fourth of July, September 11th, Veteran's Day to name a few.

To the military community, patriotism is their life. 

Nothing warms my heart more than when I stand in Michie Stadium at the United States Military Academy at West Point each weekend in the fall surrounded by soldiers - many of them my high school friends - while the National Anthem is played.

Or when I am driving during the afternoon and the entire post stops, gets out of their cars, and faces the direction of the flag as it is lowered during the retreat ceremony, signifying the official end of the duty day while paying respect to the flag.

Or when I see little kids outside playing, wearing a cover with their parent's name tape displayed across the back.

Or when I am at work, babysitting for many military families, and I tuck the kids away to bed while they squeeze their "daddy doll" - a stuffed man wearing ACU's with a picture of their daddy's face displayed at the head.

Or when I get to spend the Fourth of July (or any day of the week for that matter) with my very own soldier.

Patriotism.

Below are others who absolutely agree with me:

"There is nothing, absolutely not a single thing, that compares to the feeling I get when I see my husband in uniform in formation with other soldiers...An overwhelming feeling of pride and patriotism just sweeps over me and, in my experience, usually has the same effect on family and even friends who are completely unattached to the military. That kind of camaraderie and selflessness just cannot be found anywhere else other than our world." - Kayla Witt, wife of 2LT Bradford Witt, US Army

"I never thought I would tear up almost every time I hear the National Anthem, but I do. It takes on a whole new meaning, especially when your soldier is deployed. We teach our kids to be respectful of the flag, the National Anthem, and the Pledge. They have greater meaning to us than your average civilian." - Sarah Soyka, wife of Maj. Michael Soyka, US Army

"People with a connection to the military have a different connection to our country and the flag because we have sacrificed directly for it." - Casey Elliott, daughter of LTC Charles Elliott, US Army

This is patriotism...a daily and constant reminder of love, support, and thankfulness for those who wear military rank, the individuals who stand beside them, our freedom, and a love for our great country.

Support Groups

Christian joined the Army right after his high school graduation in August 2009. We had only been dating eight short months when he left for military schooling in Pennsylvania while I finished my last year of high school in New York. I knew he would be safe at school and that our only battle would be figuring out the distance. That took some time to do, but we eventually found a routine that worked for us throughout that first school year. I remember the first day I came home to a letter in my mailbox, numerous video chats that consisted of us simply working on homework while the camera was up and we rarely exchanged words, the seven hour train rides he would take home, and the seven hours of me anxiously waiting to head to the station to pick him up. I learned a lot about myself that year, and a lot about what our still new relationship could endure. But, I remember how tough it was. When recalling that first year, I always say that if I had known some one else like me who was going through a relationship under similar circumstances, that year probably would have gone a lot better. If I had just one friend I could call who understood what I felt like when I was sad or overly excited, that year would have been different. Luckily for me, my family has always been supportive of my relationship, Christian's family has loved me like their own, and Christian was and continues to be my go-to-guy.

Support systems...you need them. A group of people who share advice, personal experiences, feelings, information, and friendships with each other to help through the tough days and celebrate in the joyous days...absolutely necessary.

Luckily, the military understands the troubles that military families face alongside their service members when choosing to take on the hardships of this lifestyle and provides them with plenty of support groups to call on any time of the day. 

The FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a support group for each specific unit that aids in creating a sense of belonging for the family members of the military to both the unit and the community. They are helpful in creating and developing friendships, providing information, and creating a better understanding as to why deployments are necessary to the mission. 

Many interviewees have noted that they are a part of the FRG for their spouse's unit, which has allowed for them to transition to their new home smoothly as well as becoming a source for friendships and information. I urge you to be a part of yours!

The Army also has AFTB (Army Family Team Building) at each post, helping to empower and develop individuals, ultimately creating a community that meets the "military mission." Although the AFTB does not provide support by bringing families together to create friendships, rather for families and individuals to grow on their own, friendships are inevitable, so joining the AFTB at your post will undoubtedly be helpful in finding others who are walking in your shoes.

Social media sites, often linked through Facebook, are common support groups that many in the military lifestyle get involved in. Nearly every post has a Facebook page - something along the lines of "Fort Campbell Spouses" - that is accessible to family members for support big and small, from "My spouse is deployed and..." to "Do you know the best pizza place?" Friendships are quickly formed through these pages as one can easily pinpoint individuals most similar to themselves. 

For me, social media support groups have led me to some of my closest friends. When Christian began his journey through the United States Military Academy at West Point, I joined a social media support group that immediately changed my internal battles of dating a man in the military. Knowing people were out there who were going through the same things as me, having friends all across the globe, and creating friendships that will last a lifetime was a game changer being a civilian in a military relationship. So don't knock them before you try them, and remember...there's a group for that!

Dealing with the Distance

Long distance relationships are hard. There is not really another way to put it. A constant attempt to connect two separate lives into one over miles and miles of distance is sometimes a struggle. Loneliness sets in, dates are over the webcam, and face-to-face interaction is little. Add into this mix danger, a lack of communication, and war -- that long distance relationship just became harder. 

But, they work. People always say "I don't know how you do it," and sometimes we aren't even sure how we do it, but it is doable. I am a true believer that it takes a special kind of someone to deal with the military lifestyle - always changing (seriously, you can't plan anything), exciting and tiring, and lonely.

Lonely because family members spend months away from their service members with little to no communication. Days are spent wondering if they'll call, if they made it safely through their training or mission, and when they will be home. Phone calls are static and broken, and usually when you're half asleep because it's daytime on the other side of the world, but you wake up to answer it anyways (because your phone is glued to your hand, even when you are asleep). Valentine's day is spent with your girlfriends, and a surprise bouquet of flowers is magical. 

Long distance relationships are hard, but they work.

I recently found an article on Discover Fit & Health about love and relationships. The author offered up a list of reasons why long distance relationships don't work. Lucky for us, I have an Army of friends (no pun intended) who are currently dealing with distance of all sorts willing to offer up the secrets to making it work and dealing with the distance.

1. Keeping busy is key! Suzanne Alter-Siemon's husband, Sgt. Terence Siemon, US Army, is currently living at a temporary duty station (TDY) in Virginia. The couple left their lives together in Hawaii for Terence to head to Virginia and Suzanne to head home to her family in New York. Suzanne is spending ample time with her family and friends, and is working to make the time apart easier and quicker. 

Carrie Victoria, senior at Mount Saint Mary College, is currently living away from her fiance, 2LT Cody Waterman, while Cody trains to become an aviator pilot at Fort Rucker, Alabama. Carrie shares that staying in a daily routine makes the time apart go by much quicker, "always one day closer to being together!" Carrie will graduate MSMC in May 2014 and finally join Cody for a temporary end to their distance.

2. "Always remembering they're bettering themselves and serving the country to protect you brings a light into the darkness." - Kenny Fusco, Mount Saint Mary College. E1 Donald Kubik, Kenny's best friend, is currently training with the US Navy in Illinois.

3. Communication. I know this one is tough, depending on your personal situation, but Kristine King shares that while her boyfriend, Joseph Montellese - E5 US Navy, is deployed to Japan, their iPhone's have been a blessing. As long as Joe is connected to WiFi, the couple is able to communicate on Joe's spare time (despite a 14 hour time difference). "We send each other a lot of pictures...what we look like for the day, projects we are working on, food we are eating, just to make us feel like we still know what the other is up to even if we can't respond to each other," stressing the importance of keeping each other involved in their independent lives.

4. Take care of yourself. Currently, Vanessa Friske is separated from her husband, LT Michael Friske (US Army), while he is at Ranger School in Georgia. Vanessa recently moved herself to their new home in Clarksville, TN, and is facing little communication with her husband. Letters are currently their only form of communicating, which often take a long time to be delivered. So, Vanessa adds that while still attempting to communicate as much as possible is important, "it is also important to keep taking care of yourself...working out, putting your best into work or school." By doing things that can boost your own confidence and occupy your mind, you take your mind off of the distance. "Besides, who doesn't want to lose a few pounds to show off when you finally get to see them?" she adds.

5. Time together is important. This one goes off of #3, but Jessica Starnes shares that while her husband LT Thomas Starnes, US Army, is deployed to Afghanistan, they have been embracing the time they do get together. Jessica is living at Fort Drum, NY where they are stationed during the duration of Thomas' deployment. She says they have realized that their time to talk is often quick, so they have learned to share what is most important, and to not end the conversation in a fight. "Where our daily routines don't cross paths because of distance, our mental paths do and we both know we don't have time for petty fights, so we focus on really communicating with each other when we do get the time to talk."

6. Lean on someone for support. "The military wife community is one of the greatest, because although we have to miss our significant other, we have each other to lean on for support. It's almost like we turn into each other's temporary husbands. Even if it's just for a weekend in the field, a month of training, or an entire deployment, there is always someone there for you and including you on plans to make sure you are busy." - Amy DeCosta (Fort Hood, TX), wife of 1LT Jonathan DeCosta, US Army, currently deployed to Korea. 
"Having each other doesn't completely fill the void, but it comes pretty darn close! The days pass a lot quicker, and the distance seems a lot less when you are constantly surrounded by the people who really understand what you're going through."

7. "Reflect daily on the cherished moments and take advantage of opportunities to spend time together in the future." - 1LT Jon Cook, US Army. "Although the Army only gives you a couple of weeks a year to visit family, it makes those family reunions more meaningful and allows you to maximize your time spent together. Knowing that you only have a limited amount of time to spend with family allows you to focus on building relationships with them rather than being distracted by other facets of life." 
Jon is stationed at Fort Sill, Oklahoma with his wife, Jenn, while his family resides in North Carolina.

So, long distance relationships are possible, and they do work. These individuals are proof that it can happen, and that it does happen. Remember...it takes a special kind of someone to endure these hardships, so jot down these helpful hints to dealing with the distance, and remember them for when your time comes.

Far from boring, and very romantic.

This "other world" comes with a variety of misconceptions (which I will save for another post), one being that for the spouse and family members, this life is boring.

If you consider moving every three or so years, traveling the world, constantly meeting new people and trying new things - the list goes on and on - boring, then I suppose it is.

This topic was my favorite one to discuss with my interviewees while researching for my blog. I received an array of answers, some of them quite personal. 

One woman who recently married a 2LT said that the Army is far from boring and has already blessed her and her husband with exciting experiences that she may have otherwise never had the chance to explore. Following her husband's graduation from West Point in May 2013, Lindsay Lundeen and her husband David took a road trip from her home in Georgia to David's first duty station at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Lindsay marks this as an exciting time in their short Army career because she realizes that if it weren't for this lifestyle, she "would've more than likely stayed in Georgia and never gone outside the southeast." For David and Lindsay, their time at Fort Leonard Wood was short lived and they have since took a second road trip to Fort Carson, Colorado where they will stay for the next few years before the Army sends them on yet another adventure, meaning much more excitement for the Lundeen's to look forward to!

I think one of the greatest pros to the military lifestyle, and one that I am most definitely looking forward to myself, is making friends and having people you know all across the world. I've heard many of the military families I know talk about making new friends each time they move because unfortunately you can't pack up the ones you have and take them with you. They refer to this as "friendship dating" just as this article on www.militaryspouse.com describes. 

A few weeks ago, 2LT Witt and his wife Kayla (from post #2: Moving!) moved to their new home in Clarksville, Tennessee while 2LT Witt is stationed at Fort Campbell. Kayla posted a Facebook status referring directly to the friendship-dating she would soon have to attempt at their new home. Her status said this:

That all too frequent moment of military life when you realize you are once again friend-less (womp womp) and required to seek out what I have begrudgingly deemed the "girlfriend date". Perpetual first date awkwardness that is necessary and worthwhile to find those invaluable true and effortless connections.

Basically what it all boils down to is this: being a part of the military lifestyle requires a lot of moving, which requires always leaving old friends and making new ones (friendship dating), which is pretty much like dating to find your spouse again - sometimes awkward, sometimes funny, sometimes effortless, never boring and always exciting.

And, oh how romantic it is to be in love with a man in uniform. 
Okay, it's not all about the uniform (although I know some people who would beg to differ), but the military lifestyle carries with it a great sense of romanticism.

It's really cool to live in many places around the world, it's really cool to have a lot of friends, and it's really cool to experience the exciting and interesting lifestyle of the military world. What's not so really cool is that military families often spend more time away from their service member than they do with them. Almost all of the spouses I interviewed noted that one of the most romantic things about their lifestyle is really embracing the time they have together because, oftentimes, it isn't much. And while they are away, e-mails and snail mail recurrently bring tears, packages in the mail are thrilling, and enjoying a dinner or movie date over video chat can make your entire week. This is romance.

Recently while reading through the articles on www.militaryspouse.com, I came across this one. I immediately thought to include it in this particular post when talking about the "excitement" and "romanticism" of the military lifestyle. I know it's not romantic in the sense of couples and relationships, but I'm hoping you can see my connection between the topic of my post and the story in the article: Because of the duties that this husband and fathers job entails, he had recently spent a majority of the year away from his wife and daughter. As a gift to the three-year-old daughter before her daddy had to leave, yet again, the mother planned a surprise for her to dress up like a princess and go with her prince in shining armor uniform - her daddy - to their very own personal ball. The pictures throughout the article say it all. 

So as it goes, what is more romantic than loving a man in uniform?

Moving!

It is common knowledge that if one is involved in the military lifestyle, they will most likely move...a lot. These moves oftentimes are burdens and blessings all mixed in to one, but that sometimes can depend on who you ask.

This particular post stirs up many emotions and uncertainties for me, because this past Thursday, Christian was assigned his first post assignment following his graduation from West Point in May. In about one year’s time, he will be heading to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, and I (fingers crossed) will be making my first move from home (ever!) with him.

So let’s break it down (for all of us!).

First, it is known that by joining the Armed Forces, there is typically a five to eight year minimum requirement of commitment and service. However, there is an understanding that taking promotions adds years to the service member's commitment time, as well as being reassigned, or attending special courses. Oftentimes, commitments extend well over ten years, and sometimes the military becomes a lifelong career.

If you’re one of the people who view moving as a burden, than this life is probably not for you.

In a short book, “Closing the Gap: Understanding Your Service(Wo)man”  an experienced Army wife, Yvonne Jones, talks a great deal about moving and dealing with the separations from family and friends. Jones says “memories become your most precious possessions and ‘home’ becomes where the military sends you.” I imagine that this statement could not hold more truth.

One thing is worth noting as a commonality among the group of individuals I interviewed in preparing for this project. When the topic of moving was discussed, almost every individual mentioned this: Although endless benefits come along with constant moves, like traveling the world and having friends everywhere you go, having a “home” is something most civilians take for granted, and more often than not, military families crave the permanent and steady way of life.

One interviewee, sister of a 2LT (Second Lieutenant) in the United States Army, mentioned how dealing with the distance between herself and her brother became increasingly harder once he made his first “real” move to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Second Lieutenant Witt left his home and family in Michigan to attend the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY in 2009. He is a graduate of the class of 2013. His sister, Meredith, stated that although the distance between herself and her brother was much greater while he attended school, knowing he is no longer under the protection of the Academy makes the distance from Michigan to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO (where 2LT Witt was stationed at time of interview) seem much farther.

Second Lieutenant Witt’s wife, Kayla, also offered insight to the topic of moving, noting that so far her greatest separations have been with her own family and friends. For family, Kayla is sure to always have a plan to look forward to and a countdown to cross days off of. She has made it a point to plan visits with her family about once a month. For friends, Kayla stated that “maintaining friends is a two way street.” She said it best by saying, “The friendships that have lasted are the ones in which no hard feelings are felt if five voice mails have to be left on either side before a connection is finally made.”

One blog, So You Call Yourself a Homeschooler, shows an article that featured a guest post written by a woman who shared things she had learned about civilians and military families. Her article highlighted a list of things that civilians should know about the military life, and lent a list of “lessons” to the reader. Two in particular stuck out to me in dealing with moving:

 “Lesson 6: Teach your kids to be welcoming.”

This one seemed important to pass along to you, the readers, because military families come and go… A LOT. I grew up right outside the gates of the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY, and I have experienced first-hand that the friendships I have made with the military kids were the most genuine ones I have ever had. And it always seemed that just as our friendship was blossoming, their family was already preparing to move away. Teaching your family to be welcoming - and being welcoming yourself - allows friendships to flourish quickly and for the individuals to maximize the time they have together. We all know what it feels like to be the “new kid” in some aspect of life, so being welcoming and friendly to new faces will benefit all parties.

“Lesson 7: You will truly be able to minister to military families by becoming family with them.”

It is important to recognize that most times when military families move, it is to an area that they don’t have family living near them. It says a lot about who you are by lending a helping hand to babysit, inviting them over for dinner, or even planning a night out. The military community is very much like their very own family, and I’ve heard it’s a pretty cool one to be a part of!

So regardless of if you view moving often as a burden or a blessing, it must be accepted as a part of the lifestyle. You may not always like it, but what good does being angry about it do for you? Keep in contact with friends and family near and far, be open to change and new experiences, and keep a smiling face. "Embrace the suck" as I have heard many military families say, and consider yourself blessed to see the world.

An Introduction

The military lifestyle can sometimes feel like an entirely different world – especially to civilians who do not directly face it on a daily basis, or specifically to those who get quickly tossed into a military relationship. These dealings are by no means easy, whether it be as a parent, grandparent, spouse, sibling, or extended family member of your serviceman.

Take me for example. I have been with my boyfriend, Christian, through all five years of his military experience thus far. Although this is something we have had the chance to experience and learn about together, he is an Army brat and has been living this life since day one. I, however, have not.

And even after five years, there is still so much for me to learn.

Thankfully, I found a lot of people who can help all of us!

Throughout this blog’s entirety, all things civilians should know about the military lifestyle will be addressed through research of my own and the many words of wisdom of service member’s families, as well as servicemen themselves. My research has covered several branches of the military -- Army, Air Force, and Coast Guard -- so the information shared will cover a multitude of experiences.

Although the military lifestyle is not one that all individuals lead or encounter, it is one that is important for the world to know and understand because these individuals and their families are the ones making the greatest sacrifices for our country. 

According to a 2012 article found in the New York Times, a smaller share of Americans currently serve in the Armed Forces than at any other given point in time since World War II. Because of this, a gap continues to grow between the uniformed men and women and our civilian population. Less service members equals less civilians with a direct connection to the military. Ultimately, our  military is far less connected to the rest of society than it has been in previous decades, making members ties to their families and support systems much more important.

I have been in the process of conducting interviews with numerous individuals - wives, sisters, parent in-laws, and daughters - currently closely related to the military lifestyle. Their stories are all very similar and very different in many ways. Yes, they all are connected to the military through a loved one. No, they have never served themselves. Yes, they have dealt with great distances between their service members and their families. Some have gone through deployments. Some have played the role of Mom and Dad while their spouse was gone. 

Some have been living this lifestyle for years and years, others have barely scraped the surface of it.

A great difference lies in this last sentence. A small handful of my interviewees fall into the category of "living this lifestyle for years" prior to marrying a service member, or having their sibling or child enter the Armed Forces. These individuals attest that although having had past experience has made them more knowledgeable and has provided them with some experiences and lessons they could jot down, stick in their back pockets and pull out to use for later on, it has not made this lifestyle a fairy tale. New struggles are always on the horizon, deployments will always be hard, and friendships have to constantly be new. But, they embrace it. 

A 22 year-old woman, daughter of a LTC (Lieutenant Colonel) in the U.S. Army who has served for 23 years, has lived and breathed the Army her entire life. Along with being the daughter of a LTC, she is in a long-term relationship with a 1LT (First Lieutenant). The Army is literally all she has ever known.

"I was born into the military life so it is the only life I have ever known. I can't imagine any other way!"

However, the greater group of interviewees that were thrown into this whirlwind of a life have said that it is one heck of a ride. The experiences are always new, there are always lessons to be learned, there are lots of tears (both happy and sad), and there is a continuous fear of the unknown. Personally, I agree with them!

But one commonality among both groups of individuals is this: they are all stronger than they ever knew.

It takes someone with a big heart, an open mind, a sense of adventure, willingness, desire, and patriotism to pursue a relationship of any kind - sibling, parent, spouse, child - with a service member. We must never forget that although it is the service men and women who go out and fight for our country, it is these individuals who make a great sacrifice alongside them. And everyone's story is different.

The military life can only really be known and understood once it has been experienced, whereas the civilian life is something most everyone knows and often takes for granted. We all know what it means to be a civilian, but most Americans don't truly understand the military and the difference in the two lifestyles. My hopes are that this blog's course will lead to a better understanding of this "other world" and better prepare civilians who may enter this lifestyle with some notes to keep in their own back pockets.