Support Groups

Christian joined the Army right after his high school graduation in August 2009. We had only been dating eight short months when he left for military schooling in Pennsylvania while I finished my last year of high school in New York. I knew he would be safe at school and that our only battle would be figuring out the distance. That took some time to do, but we eventually found a routine that worked for us throughout that first school year. I remember the first day I came home to a letter in my mailbox, numerous video chats that consisted of us simply working on homework while the camera was up and we rarely exchanged words, the seven hour train rides he would take home, and the seven hours of me anxiously waiting to head to the station to pick him up. I learned a lot about myself that year, and a lot about what our still new relationship could endure. But, I remember how tough it was. When recalling that first year, I always say that if I had known some one else like me who was going through a relationship under similar circumstances, that year probably would have gone a lot better. If I had just one friend I could call who understood what I felt like when I was sad or overly excited, that year would have been different. Luckily for me, my family has always been supportive of my relationship, Christian's family has loved me like their own, and Christian was and continues to be my go-to-guy.

Support systems...you need them. A group of people who share advice, personal experiences, feelings, information, and friendships with each other to help through the tough days and celebrate in the joyous days...absolutely necessary.

Luckily, the military understands the troubles that military families face alongside their service members when choosing to take on the hardships of this lifestyle and provides them with plenty of support groups to call on any time of the day. 

The FRG (Family Readiness Group) is a support group for each specific unit that aids in creating a sense of belonging for the family members of the military to both the unit and the community. They are helpful in creating and developing friendships, providing information, and creating a better understanding as to why deployments are necessary to the mission. 

Many interviewees have noted that they are a part of the FRG for their spouse's unit, which has allowed for them to transition to their new home smoothly as well as becoming a source for friendships and information. I urge you to be a part of yours!

The Army also has AFTB (Army Family Team Building) at each post, helping to empower and develop individuals, ultimately creating a community that meets the "military mission." Although the AFTB does not provide support by bringing families together to create friendships, rather for families and individuals to grow on their own, friendships are inevitable, so joining the AFTB at your post will undoubtedly be helpful in finding others who are walking in your shoes.

Social media sites, often linked through Facebook, are common support groups that many in the military lifestyle get involved in. Nearly every post has a Facebook page - something along the lines of "Fort Campbell Spouses" - that is accessible to family members for support big and small, from "My spouse is deployed and..." to "Do you know the best pizza place?" Friendships are quickly formed through these pages as one can easily pinpoint individuals most similar to themselves. 

For me, social media support groups have led me to some of my closest friends. When Christian began his journey through the United States Military Academy at West Point, I joined a social media support group that immediately changed my internal battles of dating a man in the military. Knowing people were out there who were going through the same things as me, having friends all across the globe, and creating friendships that will last a lifetime was a game changer being a civilian in a military relationship. So don't knock them before you try them, and remember...there's a group for that!

Dealing with the Distance

Long distance relationships are hard. There is not really another way to put it. A constant attempt to connect two separate lives into one over miles and miles of distance is sometimes a struggle. Loneliness sets in, dates are over the webcam, and face-to-face interaction is little. Add into this mix danger, a lack of communication, and war -- that long distance relationship just became harder. 

But, they work. People always say "I don't know how you do it," and sometimes we aren't even sure how we do it, but it is doable. I am a true believer that it takes a special kind of someone to deal with the military lifestyle - always changing (seriously, you can't plan anything), exciting and tiring, and lonely.

Lonely because family members spend months away from their service members with little to no communication. Days are spent wondering if they'll call, if they made it safely through their training or mission, and when they will be home. Phone calls are static and broken, and usually when you're half asleep because it's daytime on the other side of the world, but you wake up to answer it anyways (because your phone is glued to your hand, even when you are asleep). Valentine's day is spent with your girlfriends, and a surprise bouquet of flowers is magical. 

Long distance relationships are hard, but they work.

I recently found an article on Discover Fit & Health about love and relationships. The author offered up a list of reasons why long distance relationships don't work. Lucky for us, I have an Army of friends (no pun intended) who are currently dealing with distance of all sorts willing to offer up the secrets to making it work and dealing with the distance.

1. Keeping busy is key! Suzanne Alter-Siemon's husband, Sgt. Terence Siemon, US Army, is currently living at a temporary duty station (TDY) in Virginia. The couple left their lives together in Hawaii for Terence to head to Virginia and Suzanne to head home to her family in New York. Suzanne is spending ample time with her family and friends, and is working to make the time apart easier and quicker. 

Carrie Victoria, senior at Mount Saint Mary College, is currently living away from her fiance, 2LT Cody Waterman, while Cody trains to become an aviator pilot at Fort Rucker, Alabama. Carrie shares that staying in a daily routine makes the time apart go by much quicker, "always one day closer to being together!" Carrie will graduate MSMC in May 2014 and finally join Cody for a temporary end to their distance.

2. "Always remembering they're bettering themselves and serving the country to protect you brings a light into the darkness." - Kenny Fusco, Mount Saint Mary College. E1 Donald Kubik, Kenny's best friend, is currently training with the US Navy in Illinois.

3. Communication. I know this one is tough, depending on your personal situation, but Kristine King shares that while her boyfriend, Joseph Montellese - E5 US Navy, is deployed to Japan, their iPhone's have been a blessing. As long as Joe is connected to WiFi, the couple is able to communicate on Joe's spare time (despite a 14 hour time difference). "We send each other a lot of pictures...what we look like for the day, projects we are working on, food we are eating, just to make us feel like we still know what the other is up to even if we can't respond to each other," stressing the importance of keeping each other involved in their independent lives.

4. Take care of yourself. Currently, Vanessa Friske is separated from her husband, LT Michael Friske (US Army), while he is at Ranger School in Georgia. Vanessa recently moved herself to their new home in Clarksville, TN, and is facing little communication with her husband. Letters are currently their only form of communicating, which often take a long time to be delivered. So, Vanessa adds that while still attempting to communicate as much as possible is important, "it is also important to keep taking care of yourself...working out, putting your best into work or school." By doing things that can boost your own confidence and occupy your mind, you take your mind off of the distance. "Besides, who doesn't want to lose a few pounds to show off when you finally get to see them?" she adds.

5. Time together is important. This one goes off of #3, but Jessica Starnes shares that while her husband LT Thomas Starnes, US Army, is deployed to Afghanistan, they have been embracing the time they do get together. Jessica is living at Fort Drum, NY where they are stationed during the duration of Thomas' deployment. She says they have realized that their time to talk is often quick, so they have learned to share what is most important, and to not end the conversation in a fight. "Where our daily routines don't cross paths because of distance, our mental paths do and we both know we don't have time for petty fights, so we focus on really communicating with each other when we do get the time to talk."

6. Lean on someone for support. "The military wife community is one of the greatest, because although we have to miss our significant other, we have each other to lean on for support. It's almost like we turn into each other's temporary husbands. Even if it's just for a weekend in the field, a month of training, or an entire deployment, there is always someone there for you and including you on plans to make sure you are busy." - Amy DeCosta (Fort Hood, TX), wife of 1LT Jonathan DeCosta, US Army, currently deployed to Korea. 
"Having each other doesn't completely fill the void, but it comes pretty darn close! The days pass a lot quicker, and the distance seems a lot less when you are constantly surrounded by the people who really understand what you're going through."

7. "Reflect daily on the cherished moments and take advantage of opportunities to spend time together in the future." - 1LT Jon Cook, US Army. "Although the Army only gives you a couple of weeks a year to visit family, it makes those family reunions more meaningful and allows you to maximize your time spent together. Knowing that you only have a limited amount of time to spend with family allows you to focus on building relationships with them rather than being distracted by other facets of life." 
Jon is stationed at Fort Sill, Oklahoma with his wife, Jenn, while his family resides in North Carolina.

So, long distance relationships are possible, and they do work. These individuals are proof that it can happen, and that it does happen. Remember...it takes a special kind of someone to endure these hardships, so jot down these helpful hints to dealing with the distance, and remember them for when your time comes.

Far from boring, and very romantic.

This "other world" comes with a variety of misconceptions (which I will save for another post), one being that for the spouse and family members, this life is boring.

If you consider moving every three or so years, traveling the world, constantly meeting new people and trying new things - the list goes on and on - boring, then I suppose it is.

This topic was my favorite one to discuss with my interviewees while researching for my blog. I received an array of answers, some of them quite personal. 

One woman who recently married a 2LT said that the Army is far from boring and has already blessed her and her husband with exciting experiences that she may have otherwise never had the chance to explore. Following her husband's graduation from West Point in May 2013, Lindsay Lundeen and her husband David took a road trip from her home in Georgia to David's first duty station at Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Lindsay marks this as an exciting time in their short Army career because she realizes that if it weren't for this lifestyle, she "would've more than likely stayed in Georgia and never gone outside the southeast." For David and Lindsay, their time at Fort Leonard Wood was short lived and they have since took a second road trip to Fort Carson, Colorado where they will stay for the next few years before the Army sends them on yet another adventure, meaning much more excitement for the Lundeen's to look forward to!

I think one of the greatest pros to the military lifestyle, and one that I am most definitely looking forward to myself, is making friends and having people you know all across the world. I've heard many of the military families I know talk about making new friends each time they move because unfortunately you can't pack up the ones you have and take them with you. They refer to this as "friendship dating" just as this article on www.militaryspouse.com describes. 

A few weeks ago, 2LT Witt and his wife Kayla (from post #2: Moving!) moved to their new home in Clarksville, Tennessee while 2LT Witt is stationed at Fort Campbell. Kayla posted a Facebook status referring directly to the friendship-dating she would soon have to attempt at their new home. Her status said this:

That all too frequent moment of military life when you realize you are once again friend-less (womp womp) and required to seek out what I have begrudgingly deemed the "girlfriend date". Perpetual first date awkwardness that is necessary and worthwhile to find those invaluable true and effortless connections.

Basically what it all boils down to is this: being a part of the military lifestyle requires a lot of moving, which requires always leaving old friends and making new ones (friendship dating), which is pretty much like dating to find your spouse again - sometimes awkward, sometimes funny, sometimes effortless, never boring and always exciting.

And, oh how romantic it is to be in love with a man in uniform. 
Okay, it's not all about the uniform (although I know some people who would beg to differ), but the military lifestyle carries with it a great sense of romanticism.

It's really cool to live in many places around the world, it's really cool to have a lot of friends, and it's really cool to experience the exciting and interesting lifestyle of the military world. What's not so really cool is that military families often spend more time away from their service member than they do with them. Almost all of the spouses I interviewed noted that one of the most romantic things about their lifestyle is really embracing the time they have together because, oftentimes, it isn't much. And while they are away, e-mails and snail mail recurrently bring tears, packages in the mail are thrilling, and enjoying a dinner or movie date over video chat can make your entire week. This is romance.

Recently while reading through the articles on www.militaryspouse.com, I came across this one. I immediately thought to include it in this particular post when talking about the "excitement" and "romanticism" of the military lifestyle. I know it's not romantic in the sense of couples and relationships, but I'm hoping you can see my connection between the topic of my post and the story in the article: Because of the duties that this husband and fathers job entails, he had recently spent a majority of the year away from his wife and daughter. As a gift to the three-year-old daughter before her daddy had to leave, yet again, the mother planned a surprise for her to dress up like a princess and go with her prince in shining armor uniform - her daddy - to their very own personal ball. The pictures throughout the article say it all. 

So as it goes, what is more romantic than loving a man in uniform?

Moving!

It is common knowledge that if one is involved in the military lifestyle, they will most likely move...a lot. These moves oftentimes are burdens and blessings all mixed in to one, but that sometimes can depend on who you ask.

This particular post stirs up many emotions and uncertainties for me, because this past Thursday, Christian was assigned his first post assignment following his graduation from West Point in May. In about one year’s time, he will be heading to Fort Campbell, Kentucky, and I (fingers crossed) will be making my first move from home (ever!) with him.

So let’s break it down (for all of us!).

First, it is known that by joining the Armed Forces, there is typically a five to eight year minimum requirement of commitment and service. However, there is an understanding that taking promotions adds years to the service member's commitment time, as well as being reassigned, or attending special courses. Oftentimes, commitments extend well over ten years, and sometimes the military becomes a lifelong career.

If you’re one of the people who view moving as a burden, than this life is probably not for you.

In a short book, “Closing the Gap: Understanding Your Service(Wo)man”  an experienced Army wife, Yvonne Jones, talks a great deal about moving and dealing with the separations from family and friends. Jones says “memories become your most precious possessions and ‘home’ becomes where the military sends you.” I imagine that this statement could not hold more truth.

One thing is worth noting as a commonality among the group of individuals I interviewed in preparing for this project. When the topic of moving was discussed, almost every individual mentioned this: Although endless benefits come along with constant moves, like traveling the world and having friends everywhere you go, having a “home” is something most civilians take for granted, and more often than not, military families crave the permanent and steady way of life.

One interviewee, sister of a 2LT (Second Lieutenant) in the United States Army, mentioned how dealing with the distance between herself and her brother became increasingly harder once he made his first “real” move to Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. Second Lieutenant Witt left his home and family in Michigan to attend the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY in 2009. He is a graduate of the class of 2013. His sister, Meredith, stated that although the distance between herself and her brother was much greater while he attended school, knowing he is no longer under the protection of the Academy makes the distance from Michigan to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO (where 2LT Witt was stationed at time of interview) seem much farther.

Second Lieutenant Witt’s wife, Kayla, also offered insight to the topic of moving, noting that so far her greatest separations have been with her own family and friends. For family, Kayla is sure to always have a plan to look forward to and a countdown to cross days off of. She has made it a point to plan visits with her family about once a month. For friends, Kayla stated that “maintaining friends is a two way street.” She said it best by saying, “The friendships that have lasted are the ones in which no hard feelings are felt if five voice mails have to be left on either side before a connection is finally made.”

One blog, So You Call Yourself a Homeschooler, shows an article that featured a guest post written by a woman who shared things she had learned about civilians and military families. Her article highlighted a list of things that civilians should know about the military life, and lent a list of “lessons” to the reader. Two in particular stuck out to me in dealing with moving:

 “Lesson 6: Teach your kids to be welcoming.”

This one seemed important to pass along to you, the readers, because military families come and go… A LOT. I grew up right outside the gates of the United States Military Academy at West Point, NY, and I have experienced first-hand that the friendships I have made with the military kids were the most genuine ones I have ever had. And it always seemed that just as our friendship was blossoming, their family was already preparing to move away. Teaching your family to be welcoming - and being welcoming yourself - allows friendships to flourish quickly and for the individuals to maximize the time they have together. We all know what it feels like to be the “new kid” in some aspect of life, so being welcoming and friendly to new faces will benefit all parties.

“Lesson 7: You will truly be able to minister to military families by becoming family with them.”

It is important to recognize that most times when military families move, it is to an area that they don’t have family living near them. It says a lot about who you are by lending a helping hand to babysit, inviting them over for dinner, or even planning a night out. The military community is very much like their very own family, and I’ve heard it’s a pretty cool one to be a part of!

So regardless of if you view moving often as a burden or a blessing, it must be accepted as a part of the lifestyle. You may not always like it, but what good does being angry about it do for you? Keep in contact with friends and family near and far, be open to change and new experiences, and keep a smiling face. "Embrace the suck" as I have heard many military families say, and consider yourself blessed to see the world.